I Have to Get Finer.
I'm becoming a better woman through beauty, focus, and prayer.
Every day, I strive to be a better woman that leads with love and intention. I love the woman I am, but I always see the potential for elevation. I can always speak, perform, love, and think better. The woman I am right now after all the experiences I’ve gone through is a blessing to know, but I can’t help but think that there is something that could improve.
Four years ago, I wrote a poem asking, “Am I the woman you love, or the woman you’d love me to be?” I asked this in a moment of vulnerability. I felt people did not love me as the woman I was. They loved the idea of me they created in their minds. They didn’t love me fully, only the pieces of me that benefitted them. To be honest, I didn’t fully love the woman I was, either. I could only expect the same from others.
Back then, I felt like I had failed and would never experience the love I craved. Now, I realize I was bound to fail. The woman of their dreams is ever-changing. I’d be rebuilding myself for the rest of my days. I’ll never be the woman others truly desired because she didn’t exist. I’d never be the “other” woman.
I cannot base the woman I want to become on other people’s standards. The goalpost will always be moved. I shouldn’t have to compromise the person I am to fit in their world. I’m enough. The goal is to become the woman I aim to be through beauty, focus, and prayer. In short, I have to get finer.
In an excerpt under that same poem, I wrote:
“I’ve noticed that when a woman is fuller in her figure and more poised in her face, it signifies a greater strength and courage than a woman with a smaller frame and [a] plain face. It means she has assets, she has goals, she has dreams, she is ready to conquer the world. Where does that leave... me?”
At times, this still applies, but the woman I am now can stand tall and hold her own in the presence of others. I possess an incomparable energy. In the past, I felt physically and metaphorically small. I felt like my presence didn’t take up space, and to make matters worse I hid away and made myself even smaller. I was silent, out of the way, and in the dark. I always received compliments about what I did for others, but my physical appearance never received the same love. Now, I love what I see in the mirror, but there are some things that I want to enhance; not because I need to, but because I want to. I want to take up space and leave a memorable impression on those around me. I want my presence to be felt.
I’ve been experimenting with perfumes, butters, and lotions and learning how vanilla and spice scents melt into my skin’s natural chemistry. I’ve been more intentional with my skincare and learning what works for me. I want to adorn myself with more jewelry. I’m allowing myself to accept compliments by saying, “Thank you,” instead of, “No, you’re beautiful!” I’ve been consistent in the gym, and although the days have been rough, I know the woman I’ll be in six months will thank me for it. To look good is to feel good, and I’ve been doing everything to fulfill my needs. I want it all to come from me. I want the validation of my beauty to come from me. I no longer want external factors to determine who I am or what I should be. I want them to experience me and adjust themselves accordingly. I must learn to move with authority, intention, and focus.
If I want things to move around me, I must shift the systems already in place internally. Things within me must be adjusted for external systems to work. This is where focus comes in. Aligning my thoughts, actions, and intentions with the outcomes that I want to see will allow me to lead the life I want to live. It’s a simple concept, but not an easy one, and the work must be done daily.
The woman I want to become is someone who speaks clearly, stands strong on her word, and does everything she sets her mind to do. She takes risks and gets things done. She’s forged by fire. If I want to bring that woman to life, I have to do the groundwork and redefine my purpose. I accomplish this through journaling. I write down my goals, work through my grievances, discover patterns, and adjust accordingly. I’m doing the inner work while documenting the timeline of my growth.
It’s a learning process and I don’t have this part of my path completely figured out, but I’m willing to step into the fire to see what works and what doesn’t. I’m human, so I’m bound to stagger off track and things may not go as planned. Discipline isn’t punishment for stopping; it’s the initiative that keeps you moving forward.
Prayer is a new method I’m adding towards becoming a better woman. Yes, I’ve prayed before, but it wasn’t often or intentional. My prayers consisted of things I was told to pray for, and I only prayed when I needed help. I can’t think of a time where my prayers weren’t answered, though. You may think that I have an estranged relationship with the man upstairs, but you’d be very mistaken. God doesn’t speak to me, He speaks through me. I’m blessed with the gift of writing and I utilize it thoroughly. There were times where I’ve been called to write in my journal and the answer I need for a certain situation would be written on the pages. I want to become more in tune with the messages that God may have for me. I want to be able to listen with a sound mind and a clear heart. To do this, I begin marking daily scriptures in a small bible that I carry with me and writing intentional prayers and affirmations in another journal. These words will be kept between me and God, as they always have been. As I learn to understand God personally and unlearn any harmful systems I’ve been taught, I’m sure I’ll become a woman of better judgement. I owe this part of my transformation to my grandmother. Through her, I am divinely protected. She’s encouraged me to trust God in all that I do and everything else will fall into place. Seeing what God has done for her life, I believe her wholeheartedly.
I’m breaking myself apart and learning how to rebuild myself. The scariest part about this is that I don’t even know if all of these methods will work. That’s the beauty in trying. Many people won’t allow themselves to feel pain or work through fear, thus they’ll never grow. I no longer want to hide in fear. I want to be the woman I said I was going to be. I want to be a woman of focus, grace, and faith. I want to turn more heads, wear more things, feel more emotions, and learn new concepts. I want to be a beautiful woman of wisdom. It all starts within, though. As I am, I am the finest I have ever been, but there is a world of new experiences that I have yet to see, so I have to keep getting finer.
Beautiful 🌸